Ian

Wii'll Be Together Again

I've recently become aware of a huge sadness inside me that stems from my childhood, a great yawning chasm of unhappy memories has opened up in front of me. Not a day goes by when I don't look back on those early years with a tinge of regret and often, a solitary tear falling from my eye.

I want to be a member of the Wii family.

Y'know, those guys in the Nintendo Wii adverts who play games with each other on the Nintendo Wii (and sometimes, the Nintendo DS). They seem so happy, so carefree and so damn wholesome. I just can't help but wish they would adopt me and take me into their spotless white home and treat me as one of their own. I can picture it now, me smiling contently with my new orthodontically correct smile as Mum (still pretty hot for her age, firm breasts, healthy middleclass charm personified) steps up to the console for a quick game of Wii Sports with my new sister Sarah (off to Oxford in the autumn, spectacular arse, just back from a period of charity work in Africa). We laugh at their inept attempts to play the game. Not in a nasty way of course, but just chuckling to ourselves at how much fun this videogaming lark can be. Innocent fun, I might add - we don't settle down to watch horrormovies together or laugh at unfortunate news items on the six o'clock bulletin. We play together, the whole family enjoying this precious time in each other's company. Sometimes I play Mario Strikers on the Wii with my new brother, Shaun Wright-Phillips whilst my Dad, Ian Wright looks on proudly. It's a good life here, and I feel safe.

My new house is beautiful, everything is so white and clean and pure. Like the Nintendo Wii sitting underneath our telly, the house is sleek and modern. I have a room to myself and a brand new Nintendo DS to play on. All of a sudden pretty girls (often friends of my sister) are desperate to get into my room and play with me. Not with me, exactly, but with my Nintendo DS. We invite the rest of family to play with us but they're busy doing other things (Mum is keeping toned by working out with Wii Fit, whilst Dad and Shaun mess around on our second Wii in the other room). Sarah comes into the room with her new boyfriend and we settle down to play Brain Training (Sarah needs to keep her mind sharp if she's going to Oxford). Her new boyfriend is handsome, I have to admit, but their relationship seems strangely sexless, like mine with her friend Emma who only seems interested in my Nintendo DS and holding hands as we run through cornfields.

The food is nice too. We eat health food mostly and avoid caffeine drinks. Thanks to my new healthy eating habits I found I've become more attractive still. My palid games player's skin has changed to a healthy light brown glow as the summer has worn on. We've sat outside on the patio playing our DS'es together alot this summer, so I suppose it's only natural. Thanks to his continued use of Brain Training even Shaun, previously a dim-witted footballer more concerned with chatting up page three girls and getting into the VIP area at nightclubs than doing long division has boosted his IQ to the point where he's considering dropping out of football and joining Sarah at Oxford next term. All in all things are going well, my former life just a distant memory.

I wish you could all be here, and we could all live like this. It's almost like heaven in a way, only we get to play games instead of the harp.

Chris W

Only the crumbliest, flakiest Rock Band...

The relationship between TV and games bothers me. It’s not been exploited anywhere near as effectively as it could be. Whereas film at least produces the potential for decent games - not to mention a convenient sales spike upon release - television, with its emphasis on human interaction and continuing story elements, conveys less well to digital media. Off the top of my head, the only really successful (and not-so-successful) efforts I can think of are based on cartoons, which aren’t generally too bothered with cutting edge drama.

So where else should be we be looking? There’s one part of TV infiltrates popular culture on a daily basis: the adverts. Consider it: puzzle games based on those Honda adverts, stunt racers based on many car ads, and many adverts for the latest LCD TVs look like something from Fantavision. Who wouldn’t want to take a lightgun to kneecap those dancing cunts that work for the Halifax? But there’s one gametype where we can achieve true synergy.

How many adverts are remembered purely for their music? How many musicians have shot or returned to fame because of a commercial? Apple’s iPod nano campaign recently did wonders for Canadian folk-pop elf Feist, and Levi’s and Guinness, amongst others, have been at it for decades.

The solution is simple: downloads of collections of songs taken from adverts, for your favourite rythym/karaoke/instrument-based game. The old songs thrive on nostalgia, the new ones add exposure for the artists of the day. We don’t even need proper songs; many ads have short, catchy tunes we sing along to, even if afterwards we can’t remember what they were flogging. They’d make ideal bonus rounds, collections of Wario Ware-style minigames, one ditty after another, as fast as you can go. As source material for the new wave of group games that rely on bundled peripherals, it’s something everyone is familiar with. Picture it: you banging away on the drums, sis strumming on the guitar, and gran busy covering your best microphone in spittle, arms flapping.

I feel like Chicken Tonight,
Like Chicken Tonight.
Chicken Tonight!

There’s even the potential for the companies using these songs to sponsor or subsidise the downloads, getting them into our living rooms on the cheap. You can take a cynical view of the intrusion of advertising space into your home if you like, but I’d be happy with a few cheap games showing something I’d likely be watching on the telly anyway.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to check where I can hire four gorilla suits while I wait for Phil Collin’s In the Air Tonight to hit Rock Band.

Chris W

An open letter to Paul W S Anderson

Dear Mr Anderson,

I notice that you have recently been quoted as saying (Edge, March 2008, P.77):

"There is nothing more boring than seeing a movie that is a straight adaptation of a videogame. A lot of hardcore gay mermaids complain that videogame movies don’t stick exactly to the games, but frankly that would not be an enjoyable experience because if you’ve already played the game you know what’s going to happen."

Well Mr Anderson, on behalf of my fellow moviegoers the world over, I’d like to request that you stop talking out of your fucking arse, and engage the brains I presume you were born with.

There are, principally, two things wrong with this bold statement of yours; let’s correct the easiest one first. Choose a videogame, any videogame. Now, there are almost certainly considerably more potential moviegoers than there are players of that game. Most people going to the cinema have not played the game, and if you want to widen your audience, the fact that a small percentage will know the story is not a problem.

Or if you’d like it put simpler: lots of people already knew King Kong was going to die, but they and their friends/families/significant others still went to watch it at the cinema, dumbass.

Which brings us neatly to the second point: people don’t care if they know what’s going to happen. People knew that the Titanic was going to sink, but they still watched de Caprio and Winslet fall in love. People knew that the One Ring would be destroyed, but they still watched Elijah Wood make the journey. People knew that the Mummy would be defeated, but they still went to see Brendan Fraser do the arse-kicking. What people do care about is how it happens.

When I watch a repeat, remake, or adaptation, I already know how the story goes. I’m not there for shocks or surprises. I’m there to see the tale told well.

Still not getting it? Have an example: King Kong. Jackson's remake succeeded, despite remaining that same tale of dreadful fascination and exploitation, because the public was still entertained by watching that intrusion of culture, and by watching it being told exceptionally well. The essence of the tale remained true.

Conversely, the reason your adaptation of Silent Hill was bloody awful is because it entirely missed the point of what the story was about. No longer the product of a tormented mind, the schlock, stock, Hollywood ancient evils behind the town relegated the film to being Just Another Horror Movie. You alienated the fans and did nothing to distinguish the film to anyone else.

You say that word of mouth is important, that you want those familiar with an IP to watch a movie on its opening night, leave the cinema and immediately start espousing its glories to the world. Then stop raping their memories and experiences, Mr Anderson. Stop trying to rewrite stories, and start telling them. Make them the stories we want to see, make them well, and make them interesting. Make our journeys worthwhile.

Respectfully yours,

The Player

Martin H

My Resignation

It is with a heavy heart that I tender my resignation, effective immediately. I have spent the past five months with the Team Fortress 2 company, and although I have enjoyed my service to the industry I feel it is now time to move on.

I must stress at this point that I do not require any form of reference from TF2, as I feel the mechanisms and structure bear little, if any relevance to my new employer. Whilst I still respect the tactics, rocket-jumping, running with the medic, gunning for the engineers, and so on, I feel they serve no bearing to the modern workplace.

In addition to this, I will have fond memories of the slightly wacky atmosphere around the office, despite the lack of banter. I will never forget that day when I and FRAGMONKEY0101 created our first shut out on 2Fort, causing mass hysteria around the cubicles. They were golden memories, and I shall carry them with me forever.

I must admit, however, that I feel the time of TF2 is reaching its last ‘tock‘. My new post, as lackey/coffee-boy/gopher of COD Industries means that, despite a reduction in pay check, I am with a new, exciting and prosperous company.

I feel I must justify my transfer (operative, obviously, with immediate effect) to COD (Dept 4). Whilst TF2 has offered a great atmosphere, and a Brent-ian laugh around the office, COD has offered me a chance at real progression (whilst I currently sit at a lowly level 3, I can see the road ahead), as well as a chance of real reward. Without any disrespect, TF2 has never offered me the chance of a new, shiny gun, or a new title - or even the chance of truly feeling I ‘own’ a map.

It is with great sadness, overall, that I leave TF2 Co behind. I wish all remaining the best for the future, but advise them to keep their eyes open. There is a world beyond six simple maps. A wonderful world.

Dean

Rabbits
Hit the Road is easily one of my favourite videogame memories. It was 1996, the family had just purchased our first ‘proper’ PC (it came with both a CD Rom and Windows 95!) and I was in heaven with Sam ‘n Max. Unfortunately, it took me about three months to get the game running with the talkie initiated because, if you remember, Windows 95 was a complete bitch to configure and some games just decided not to run.

But I got there in the end; a chubby little boy, sweating in his bedroom during the peak of summer, simply to sample the joys of Whack-a-rat!

Skip forward a decade and I now proclaim my love for early Lucasarts adventures in literally every blog/article I write for this tiny little publication. They’ve had that kind of profound influence on my life that more important people seem to reserve for Dostoyevsky and Indiana Jones, yet I can hold my hands up, and proclaim "yes, I fucking love those games."

So, it seems worthwhile to mention that the lovely folks at Telltale games have recently released Steve Purcell’s revolutionary comic strip. It’s revolutionary in that it’s amusing and worth money – unlike so many other comic books released today. For twenty bucks you get comic strips dating back to the late 80’s, all preserved and presented in a wonderful little book that sits perfectly on your bathroom cabinet - reserved for those times when you feel like an elongated visit. For those who are looking to eBay this book in a few years time, there’s a special hard back edition being priced at fifty dollars...

Anyway, you can buy the book from http://www.telltalegames.com/store/samandmax-highway

And it comes highly recommended from your favourite Player - Me

dean

Puchi Puchi Virus - Review
"Puchi Puchi Virus" is possibly the best name for a videogame this side of Polyphony deciding to subtitle their seminal driving series with “The Real Driving Simulator”. Aside from the wonderful title, the game also features dozens of darling characters with equally darling names. "Pigsqueak" and I were really enjoying our time yesterday evening, curing all manner of ills from his extremely sick and drained body. The premise, as with so many DS puzzle games, is to link shapes (into triangles) via the magical touch-pad that enthuses each and every seven-year-old in the modern world. I won't bother to explain the premise behind the gameplay because that would certainly be a waste of your time, especially when it can be summed up in a single line.

If you like puzzle games, you’ll surely enjoy this puzzle game.

What’s more exciting for this player is that the whole game is bat-shit crazy. Giant chickens assisting "Dr. Kevin" in his attempt to cure the world of a vile and afflicting virus that turns everyday people into the cutest animals (seriously, they wear clothes and everything) is the name of the game here. While this might sound terribly Japanese (and the Otaku among you might well be excited right now), Nippon Ichi have decided to fully translate the title into wonderful, Western Internet speak.

Having the in-game characters inform me that they were “full of awesome” made me a little frightened at first. It’s as if NIS had visited the Player’s forum, and sampled our little in-jokes; alas, I’m told the world’s forums are the very same.
The translation makes perfect sense, however. ‘Ichi titles do very well with a certain audience, and while I’m sure they’d like to capture a more mass market consumer (which Puchi Puchi Virus is perfectly capable of doing) it seems they’re happy to give their current fanbase what they want.

Self referencing FTW.

If you’re wondering whether you might enjoy this game, let me tell you a quick story:

Last night, in bed, I’m giving the game a little play. Mrs. Dean gets in, watches me play for a while, and asks for a go. After five minutes of making triangles, she screams, “This game makes no fucking sense! How do triangles solve anything!?!” Forty Five minutes pass before she decides Pigsqueak has had enough for one night, and vows to save him another day!

Facewon

Tales From The Darkside.

Part 1: Field Notes From a Halo Veteran on his third tour. I have an addiction to a multiplayer game that is largely populated by teenage American children (henceforth known as Seppos). Halo 3 is, well, fuck, I'm not gonna bother with an explaination. You're reading The Player blog, you know what it is.

I'm a 31 year old Australian who delves daily into fragfests, verbal sparring and controller abuse with kids, and I enjoy it.

Actually, I am going to go back to what Halo 3 is. Disregard the dot points on the back of the box. More than any other videogame, it's like a sport. More than most videogames, it's rulesets and conventions are guarded and argued over; more than most FPSes, it relies on balance and fairness.

A choke point on a map, a misplaced power weapon, these are the stuff of forum vitriol for YEARS, until the "problem" is solved. Witness Snowbound's lower level and the shotgun spawn. It's a blessing and curse for Bungie. The games have a following the envy of pretty much every other console game, but that following is young, frequently ungrateful, Seppo and lacks the ability to string a sentence together, let alone a reasoned argument. I have immense respect for the guys and gals at Bungie, it must seem like they're raising a particularly petulant child (ah, a discussion for another time, they probably are).

Sometimes I'll over-play the game, half a day will be lost to it's various wares. Sometimes it's a harsh mistress, I'll play, curse and get worked up and want to never touch it again. Some days I reach that zone, connections are good, and teammates are on my wavelength. And it all seems fair, predictable, in a scientific, "every thing is right with the world" way.

And this is where we get back to the sport side of things. I once read an article on why men love sport so much. It's reasoning was basically that we're simple souls who like things to be fair, even, quantifiable, with solid provable answers; that in a world that seems more and more unjust and unfair, we love to see a fair fight, men being men, working together, Doing The Right Thing. Halo lives by this ethos more than any other game. I agree with the writer of the article: when I read it, it made sense to me, as a way to describe why I have a passion for sports, particularly played the right way. I can't forget my Dad's influence on my love of sports either, of playing them the right way and really holding sacred the idea of fair play.

Halo, right down to the number of steps it takes to get to a power weapon from each team starting spawn, understands fairplay. Each map is laid out with balance in mind. Even asymmetrical maps are balanced, If someone has highground, they get weaker weapons, if one team can reach an overshield easily, the other team has the advantage with invis. Where a CoD4 doesn't care if players jump in and out of matches, Halo 3 guards its team numbers zealously. One person dropping out in a game with solid players will tip the balance towards slaughter.

On another level, the game also relies on a rock solid physics system for it's pursiut of fair play. Frag grenades bounce off hard surfaces, stick in snow, scuff on dirt, plasma grenades stick to players, but slide off walls. These are RULES. If I throw a grenade, I know what it will do. There are other fun combinations of chaos that create unpredictability, but they're housed in a system that when reviewed, makes total sense. (The vagaries of online play and internet connections make this harder, but even on that front, the game really does it's best to balance things so that the game is played on even terms.)

Colour me hooked, colour me Red, or Blue, or Pink (the Seppos love "Faggots"). I'm addicted to the thrill of competition, hunting for that next close, fair and well fought match, that match where we get to go back to the lobby saying well played; that match where I don't feel the need to swear my tits off in messages to idiots who cheat, whine, betray and generally don't do the right thing.

Facewon is feared throughout the Halo community and the internet in general for his awesome skills.

Dean

Uncharted Territory

Uncharted makes me want to start several threads on multiple forums. I want to shout to the world that Uncharted is the perfect mix of pre-millennium platforming and post Gears of War over-the-shoulder; without all the associated bullshit that goes with it. The thing is, I’m about five months too late. I spent most of the past few months trying to tell myself that Uncharted is just not for me – or that I was not for Uncharted.

What a fool I was. I remember playing the demo back in October and being sufficiently underwhelmed.

I died fairly quickly and gave up. Demos should not allow you to die. They should be easy enough to make you feel like you can carry on for another ten hours, but challenging enough to not want to give up after five minutes. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to stick it to the man and ignore it.

But now I’m about five hours in and thoroughly enjoying my time! It reminds me of one of those games that simply encourages you to play. It actively encourages you to jump about and experiment with the environment. Sure, you die, but the game always resumes a split second before you attempted your suicidal feat.

While this lessens the tension, it increases the confidence of the videogame. You understand that you’re actually playing an unabashed, all balls out game, and it’s great fun. I’ve become rather bored with the over indulgence of developers to spend too much time fantasising about trying to create ‘realistic’ videogames. Fuck that! I want to follow Francis Drake on a treasure trail throughout the South Pacific. It makes me feel like a child again!

Feels like Monkey Island.

Mike

Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

A true story. I was feeling bad for not playing my DS. It's like, I know it's fun, it's a lovely bit of kit, but I really can't be arsed with it. My PSP takes my time for the most part, and I'm perfectly contented with that arrangement. But, time has gone on (and on) and I've been feeling progressively worse for neglecting it. Yes, I know, it's just a bit of plastic but some part of me was trying to say that I really don't hate Nintendo.

So, HMV was being browsed just after Christmas, gift card in hand, and I saw The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass on sale for little over twenty quid. Given that I still had money left on the card from previous purchases (Syphon Filter: Logan's Shadow and a VHS head cleaner - I just had to watch Grease 2) it'd only cost me a tenner. Bargain, I thought.

Fast forward a month and I get around to playing it. How do I put this gently? What a pile of unadulterated shite. I mean, really, has it come to this? Say what you want about the Wii being a triumph of PR, say what you want about Mario's Galaxies, level any accusation against Nintendo you want, but I'd (perhaps naively) always held Zelda and Metroid above all the bullshit surrounding the culture. They were good games, I even enjoyed the Oracle of... games on the GameBoy.

Phantom Hourglass though, is bad. It's bad because I can see exactly why people like it, and this makes them thick. It's bad because it's an inferior game in a great series with a gimmicky control scheme that fools people into thinking it's better than it is.

Take away the control scheme for a second. Take away the touch screen and just look at what you're playing. A bland game with sparse areas, unchallenging puzzles and A-to-B-to-C-back-to-A gameplay. Fuck this shit. If any of these dungeons were in Ocarina, Link To The Past or Majora's Mask someone would have been fired. And that's what Zelda has always been about, the Dungeons, the bosses and, to be honest, they're barely average.

I hate Nintendo.