Chris W

An open letter to Paul W S Anderson

Dear Mr Anderson,

I notice that you have recently been quoted as saying (Edge, March 2008, P.77):

"There is nothing more boring than seeing a movie that is a straight adaptation of a videogame. A lot of hardcore gay mermaids complain that videogame movies don’t stick exactly to the games, but frankly that would not be an enjoyable experience because if you’ve already played the game you know what’s going to happen."

Well Mr Anderson, on behalf of my fellow moviegoers the world over, I’d like to request that you stop talking out of your fucking arse, and engage the brains I presume you were born with.

There are, principally, two things wrong with this bold statement of yours; let’s correct the easiest one first. Choose a videogame, any videogame. Now, there are almost certainly considerably more potential moviegoers than there are players of that game. Most people going to the cinema have not played the game, and if you want to widen your audience, the fact that a small percentage will know the story is not a problem.

Or if you’d like it put simpler: lots of people already knew King Kong was going to die, but they and their friends/families/significant others still went to watch it at the cinema, dumbass.

Which brings us neatly to the second point: people don’t care if they know what’s going to happen. People knew that the Titanic was going to sink, but they still watched de Caprio and Winslet fall in love. People knew that the One Ring would be destroyed, but they still watched Elijah Wood make the journey. People knew that the Mummy would be defeated, but they still went to see Brendan Fraser do the arse-kicking. What people do care about is how it happens.

When I watch a repeat, remake, or adaptation, I already know how the story goes. I’m not there for shocks or surprises. I’m there to see the tale told well.

Still not getting it? Have an example: King Kong. Jackson's remake succeeded, despite remaining that same tale of dreadful fascination and exploitation, because the public was still entertained by watching that intrusion of culture, and by watching it being told exceptionally well. The essence of the tale remained true.

Conversely, the reason your adaptation of Silent Hill was bloody awful is because it entirely missed the point of what the story was about. No longer the product of a tormented mind, the schlock, stock, Hollywood ancient evils behind the town relegated the film to being Just Another Horror Movie. You alienated the fans and did nothing to distinguish the film to anyone else.

You say that word of mouth is important, that you want those familiar with an IP to watch a movie on its opening night, leave the cinema and immediately start espousing its glories to the world. Then stop raping their memories and experiences, Mr Anderson. Stop trying to rewrite stories, and start telling them. Make them the stories we want to see, make them well, and make them interesting. Make our journeys worthwhile.

Respectfully yours,

The Player

Martin H

My Resignation

It is with a heavy heart that I tender my resignation, effective immediately. I have spent the past five months with the Team Fortress 2 company, and although I have enjoyed my service to the industry I feel it is now time to move on.

I must stress at this point that I do not require any form of reference from TF2, as I feel the mechanisms and structure bear little, if any relevance to my new employer. Whilst I still respect the tactics, rocket-jumping, running with the medic, gunning for the engineers, and so on, I feel they serve no bearing to the modern workplace.

In addition to this, I will have fond memories of the slightly wacky atmosphere around the office, despite the lack of banter. I will never forget that day when I and FRAGMONKEY0101 created our first shut out on 2Fort, causing mass hysteria around the cubicles. They were golden memories, and I shall carry them with me forever.

I must admit, however, that I feel the time of TF2 is reaching its last ‘tock‘. My new post, as lackey/coffee-boy/gopher of COD Industries means that, despite a reduction in pay check, I am with a new, exciting and prosperous company.

I feel I must justify my transfer (operative, obviously, with immediate effect) to COD (Dept 4). Whilst TF2 has offered a great atmosphere, and a Brent-ian laugh around the office, COD has offered me a chance at real progression (whilst I currently sit at a lowly level 3, I can see the road ahead), as well as a chance of real reward. Without any disrespect, TF2 has never offered me the chance of a new, shiny gun, or a new title - or even the chance of truly feeling I ‘own’ a map.

It is with great sadness, overall, that I leave TF2 Co behind. I wish all remaining the best for the future, but advise them to keep their eyes open. There is a world beyond six simple maps. A wonderful world.

Dean

Rabbits
Hit the Road is easily one of my favourite videogame memories. It was 1996, the family had just purchased our first ‘proper’ PC (it came with both a CD Rom and Windows 95!) and I was in heaven with Sam ‘n Max. Unfortunately, it took me about three months to get the game running with the talkie initiated because, if you remember, Windows 95 was a complete bitch to configure and some games just decided not to run.

But I got there in the end; a chubby little boy, sweating in his bedroom during the peak of summer, simply to sample the joys of Whack-a-rat!

Skip forward a decade and I now proclaim my love for early Lucasarts adventures in literally every blog/article I write for this tiny little publication. They’ve had that kind of profound influence on my life that more important people seem to reserve for Dostoyevsky and Indiana Jones, yet I can hold my hands up, and proclaim "yes, I fucking love those games."

So, it seems worthwhile to mention that the lovely folks at Telltale games have recently released Steve Purcell’s revolutionary comic strip. It’s revolutionary in that it’s amusing and worth money – unlike so many other comic books released today. For twenty bucks you get comic strips dating back to the late 80’s, all preserved and presented in a wonderful little book that sits perfectly on your bathroom cabinet - reserved for those times when you feel like an elongated visit. For those who are looking to eBay this book in a few years time, there’s a special hard back edition being priced at fifty dollars...

Anyway, you can buy the book from http://www.telltalegames.com/store/samandmax-highway

And it comes highly recommended from your favourite Player - Me

dean

Puchi Puchi Virus - Review
"Puchi Puchi Virus" is possibly the best name for a videogame this side of Polyphony deciding to subtitle their seminal driving series with “The Real Driving Simulator”. Aside from the wonderful title, the game also features dozens of darling characters with equally darling names. "Pigsqueak" and I were really enjoying our time yesterday evening, curing all manner of ills from his extremely sick and drained body. The premise, as with so many DS puzzle games, is to link shapes (into triangles) via the magical touch-pad that enthuses each and every seven-year-old in the modern world. I won't bother to explain the premise behind the gameplay because that would certainly be a waste of your time, especially when it can be summed up in a single line.

If you like puzzle games, you’ll surely enjoy this puzzle game.

What’s more exciting for this player is that the whole game is bat-shit crazy. Giant chickens assisting "Dr. Kevin" in his attempt to cure the world of a vile and afflicting virus that turns everyday people into the cutest animals (seriously, they wear clothes and everything) is the name of the game here. While this might sound terribly Japanese (and the Otaku among you might well be excited right now), Nippon Ichi have decided to fully translate the title into wonderful, Western Internet speak.

Having the in-game characters inform me that they were “full of awesome” made me a little frightened at first. It’s as if NIS had visited the Player’s forum, and sampled our little in-jokes; alas, I’m told the world’s forums are the very same.
The translation makes perfect sense, however. ‘Ichi titles do very well with a certain audience, and while I’m sure they’d like to capture a more mass market consumer (which Puchi Puchi Virus is perfectly capable of doing) it seems they’re happy to give their current fanbase what they want.

Self referencing FTW.

If you’re wondering whether you might enjoy this game, let me tell you a quick story:

Last night, in bed, I’m giving the game a little play. Mrs. Dean gets in, watches me play for a while, and asks for a go. After five minutes of making triangles, she screams, “This game makes no fucking sense! How do triangles solve anything!?!” Forty Five minutes pass before she decides Pigsqueak has had enough for one night, and vows to save him another day!

Facewon

Tales From The Darkside.

Part 1: Field Notes From a Halo Veteran on his third tour. I have an addiction to a multiplayer game that is largely populated by teenage American children (henceforth known as Seppos). Halo 3 is, well, fuck, I'm not gonna bother with an explaination. You're reading The Player blog, you know what it is.

I'm a 31 year old Australian who delves daily into fragfests, verbal sparring and controller abuse with kids, and I enjoy it.

Actually, I am going to go back to what Halo 3 is. Disregard the dot points on the back of the box. More than any other videogame, it's like a sport. More than most videogames, it's rulesets and conventions are guarded and argued over; more than most FPSes, it relies on balance and fairness.

A choke point on a map, a misplaced power weapon, these are the stuff of forum vitriol for YEARS, until the "problem" is solved. Witness Snowbound's lower level and the shotgun spawn. It's a blessing and curse for Bungie. The games have a following the envy of pretty much every other console game, but that following is young, frequently ungrateful, Seppo and lacks the ability to string a sentence together, let alone a reasoned argument. I have immense respect for the guys and gals at Bungie, it must seem like they're raising a particularly petulant child (ah, a discussion for another time, they probably are).

Sometimes I'll over-play the game, half a day will be lost to it's various wares. Sometimes it's a harsh mistress, I'll play, curse and get worked up and want to never touch it again. Some days I reach that zone, connections are good, and teammates are on my wavelength. And it all seems fair, predictable, in a scientific, "every thing is right with the world" way.

And this is where we get back to the sport side of things. I once read an article on why men love sport so much. It's reasoning was basically that we're simple souls who like things to be fair, even, quantifiable, with solid provable answers; that in a world that seems more and more unjust and unfair, we love to see a fair fight, men being men, working together, Doing The Right Thing. Halo lives by this ethos more than any other game. I agree with the writer of the article: when I read it, it made sense to me, as a way to describe why I have a passion for sports, particularly played the right way. I can't forget my Dad's influence on my love of sports either, of playing them the right way and really holding sacred the idea of fair play.

Halo, right down to the number of steps it takes to get to a power weapon from each team starting spawn, understands fairplay. Each map is laid out with balance in mind. Even asymmetrical maps are balanced, If someone has highground, they get weaker weapons, if one team can reach an overshield easily, the other team has the advantage with invis. Where a CoD4 doesn't care if players jump in and out of matches, Halo 3 guards its team numbers zealously. One person dropping out in a game with solid players will tip the balance towards slaughter.

On another level, the game also relies on a rock solid physics system for it's pursiut of fair play. Frag grenades bounce off hard surfaces, stick in snow, scuff on dirt, plasma grenades stick to players, but slide off walls. These are RULES. If I throw a grenade, I know what it will do. There are other fun combinations of chaos that create unpredictability, but they're housed in a system that when reviewed, makes total sense. (The vagaries of online play and internet connections make this harder, but even on that front, the game really does it's best to balance things so that the game is played on even terms.)

Colour me hooked, colour me Red, or Blue, or Pink (the Seppos love "Faggots"). I'm addicted to the thrill of competition, hunting for that next close, fair and well fought match, that match where we get to go back to the lobby saying well played; that match where I don't feel the need to swear my tits off in messages to idiots who cheat, whine, betray and generally don't do the right thing.

Facewon is feared throughout the Halo community and the internet in general for his awesome skills.