Mr. Toups

I (don't) heart Metroid
With the looming release of Metroid Prime 3, can we admit that Prime 2 sucks already? I mean, yeah, Prime was a great game, but it was also a great Metroid game, and it was also in 3D, which was a singular achievement for the time. The second game, though... Man. What went wrong? It ditched the open exploration of the first game in favour of mostly linear threads which were unlocked using items and abilities which were little more than glorified keys. What were they called? Translation modules? Give me a break. On top of this, confusing level design and poor enemies served only to highlight the weaknesses of the Prime series' unique first person control scheme.

And now we have a new trailer for Prime 3, featuring a narrator who seems to have lost her way from a Pantene Pro V commercial, uttering the glib catchphrase "she likes it" in reference to Samus' new (and likely tacked-on, poorly thought out) Phazon abilities. Am I the only one who liked Samus more before she was some sort of BDSM freak who got off on radioactive chemical infusions? I would like to find whatever marketing stooge decided this would be the best way to sell the game. Really, why go there? There's no going back now, however. Back in more innocent times, when we knew nothing about Samus, we were free to imagine anything we wanted about her. I always saw her as a stoic, thoughtful adventurer, hardened by years of bounty hunting in extremely unfriendly environments. Those three words thoughtlessly characterise Samus (I admit it's not the first time, but her monologues in Super Metroid and Metroid Fusion were neutral enough and subtly crafted so as to leave most of the important things up to the imagination), and it makes me feel like a part of my childhood is dying. That I rarely utter that internet-cliched expression speaks either to the lengths of which Retro is sullying the Metroid name, or my own attachment to the series. Probably the latter.

Other things bother me about the new footage. The game seems more and more like an FPS, and it has retained some of Prime 2’s obnoxious habits: NPCs who speak and give you orders, bottomless pits which respawn Samus at their precipice, long stretches of padding while in spiderball mode - and Prime 3 seems to focus and exacerbate these problems. Prime 2 was a critical success, perhaps, but the fact that most game critics are so gullible/ignorant doesn't forgive its many design errors. With its new, more traditional control scheme, Metroid Prime 3 could, at least, be a fun FPS. But, I’ve given up expecting a Metroid game from it. That being said, it still bears the Metroid name, characters, settings etc, so it will be difficult for me to forgive the way it's degrading what is, in my opinion, one of console gaming's oldest and most important franchises. Watching Metroid turn into a Halo wannabe is not only backwards, but humiliating. It's like seeing that one cute nerdy girl in the art club being forcefully seduced against her will by the head quarterback. The last thing I come to Metroid for is to remind me of my own heart being broken in high school.