Dean

Microsoft bukkake

Microsoft E3 Conference
2007-07-10

6.49: I sit here, on a tiny balcony overlooking the water, waiting with baited breath for Microsoft’s 2007 E3 conference. For once, I really couldn't give a shit. There really is nothing they could announce that will excite me. Honestly, what are they going to come out with? Halo 3? Fuck that! So at the moment, I'm sitting, Spaghetti Carbonara having been ordered, Diet 7UP being sipped, watching the world go by around me.

6.52: Just a quick one. If they were to announce Monkey Island, in any format, for 360 or PC, I’d be all over it.

7.52: My meal was just a little too spicy, but whatever, it was good for me. I injured myself yesterday at the gym, so I'm into a lot of Vitamin C and D right now. The conference is 40 minutes away now, and again…I'm still not excited. I'm not even too sure what they are hoping to show. I’ve not followed any of the hype, and the only E3 buzz I’ve heard so far is that Activision have managed to send enough Coke over to Slash’s house to convince him that being the face of Guitar Hero 3 is actually a good thing for his career. Hopefully Microsoft have some good friends down in Columbia…or even East L.A.

8.13: I just watched that-there Haze demo. Looks alright, eh? Shout out to Free Radical; friends of the show!

8.17: I am all over this funky house!

8.20: Alright, it’s fucking annoying now.

8.21: Yeah! New song! But seriously, guys, Sony did an awesome job last year with the music – If I remember correctly, they had the Beastie Boys spinning for a good hour.

8.25: I’ve always enjoyed Microsoft’s tag, “Jump in”.

8.30: Who the fuck has a pager anymore? Exactly…stop telling me to turn it off. Also, why is every single fat geek, with a goatee, using an iPhone? Who the fuck spends $500 on a phone, and doesn’t expense that shit?

8.32: So apparently I'm watching five Halo fans from Illinois play some pretty shocking Halo music. Why start out with this, Microsoft? No one gives a shit about Halo anymore? Seriously, get some b-boys from the Orient to lay down some Jet Set Radio beats! Fuck, there’s a girl playing Violin. The auditorium just exploded. Ha-ha, the Bassist is wearing a leather jacket. He thinks he’s Ryu.

8.36: Thank fuck that’s over…No, wait…they’re back.

8.37: Peter Fucking Moore.

8.37: 11 weeks until Halo 3 apparently. Who gives a shit?

8.38: So Microsoft are only showing us games that are going to be shipping this year. Please bookmark this blog and come back on January the 1st and see if he was lying.

8.39: Oooh, Rock Band. I'm excited. Peter is strapped in and he’s ready to go! Which song are they playing? Awesome, it’s the Hives! THAT’S THE BEST FUCKING SONG IN THE WORLD!!!!!! Well played. Fuck…the ugly girl is singing. Shut up, I want to here Wheelin’ Pete (who’s actually chiming in at the chorus). This is pretty fucking awesome. I want Peter Moore to come to my house and play. Oh, he’s pulled the cable out…

8.42: Alright, just stop please.

8.43: So yeah…the Hives – Microsoft just won! Fuck, you can play this game online? Seriously, if they make this game work properly over LIVE and get a good track listing, and allow me to play Bass, while Mike in China is on Drums, I am fucking there!

8.43: Viva Piñata is back. I'm a fan. The cartoon is great also. Oh. It’s fucking Mario Party. Eugh.

8.45: Mass Effect; Big ships; Big Aliens; Looks pretty. English voice acting; Bad lip synching; Looks like GR:AW; Looks like Halo fucking Star Wars; Star Wars-esque Soundtrack. I was quite looking forward to this. Now it’s just fucking Star Wars fan fiction.

8.46: Mass Effect for November.

8.47: More money is being spent on Games this year than on Music, apparently. This is fairly obvious to me, seeing that Games cost $70 and consoles cost $500, when compared to a CD which costs $10. Also, don’t all the kids download their music for free?

8.49: Standard MS bullshit. Don’t get me wrong, I'm getting hard, but still…we know all this Pete – 360 is the bestest.

8.50: Top games are Halo and Grand Theft Auto. Awesome.

8.51: Microsoft are going to make 11million sales this Christmas. Fact. Madden, Halo and GTA. Fact.

8.52: Pete’s voice is breaking.

8.53: collage of games. Great. Nothing new. I wonder who paid the most money for this little ad. FYI the Simpson’s game looks vile. Is it me, or have the Crash Bandicoot games actually changed in the past 11 years?

8.55: Jeff Bell’s up and he’s announcing a new title. It’s a very popular board game; Scene It! Fucking hell – What a waste of time, “Loaded with trivia and movie clips in HD”. “A new controller. A controller for everyone.: It has 5 buttons, 1 big, 4 little. Apparently, four of these controllers will cost the same as one single game. Next.

8.57: Naruto is coming. What the fuck is Naruto? 8-14 year old boys are apparently into it. Mike, you listening? He’s a ninja…that’s cool. Awesome, Rock Music…yeah, Jap’s singing! Awesome, Cell Shading! I'm bouncing…This looks awesome…it’s a 12 year old kid with spiky hair, in cel-shaded glory, jumping around to a Japanese rock soundtrack! PREMIERING ON THE 360!!!! WOW!!!!!! I am actually on the EB Games website right now, pre-ordering! Nah, I kid…I bet some of you geeks are into Naruto right? Even though Jeff just told us it’s the biggest cartoon for the 8-14 year old demographic? LOL.

8.59: EA Sports’ 2008 line up will all be twice as fast as last year…I have no idea what this means. NFL STAR RUNNING BACK, REGGIE BUSH IS ON STAGE!!!! AWESOME!!!!! He’s really excited apparently. They are demo-ing Madden. Eugh. It looks like Madden. Why do they show this shit? Everyone in the US will buy Madden – why are they spending time on this? Retards. Yay, someone scored. Apparently they live together, as Jeff is sleeping on the Sofa tonight. Well played Reggie, you earned you six figure appearance fee.

9.02: XBOX LIVE has 7 million members subscribed. 95% of them are retards.

9.03: XBOX LIVE Arcade time. 45 million downloads apparently. Think about that for a second. Microsoft has made over $200 million in old games.

9.04: Bomberman is up, Hexic 2! Sonic, again…Something cool called War World. Every Extend Extra Yo! Chess. Golden Axe – eugh. Space Giraffe, at fucking last! Super Puzzle Fight. WORD PUZZLE!!! Some random marble games. Tetris of some sort. Sudoku, eugh….Uninspiring, but you’re all going to buy them anyway!

9.06: it seems that Sonic and Golden Axe are available to download tonight. Off you go then Sega freaks.

9.07: Apparently Microsoft offer movies over Live. I’ve never watched one. $125 million has been spent on DLC entertainment. Oooh, Disney is coming to 360. Aladdin in HD – Thank you! WINNIE THE FUCKING POOH – YES! ARMAGEDDON!!!!! Waterboy, yes! A load of Wank as well.

9.09: Every movie is apparently available to download tonight. Ha-ha – Fuck you Non-America!

9.10: Oh, Canada and Europe set to follow by the end of the year. Good. Thanks. 12 months late!

9.10: XBOX Elite to be launched in Europe at the end of the year.

9.11: SHANE KIM!!!! WOOOOOOO

9.12: Talking about boring figures again.

9.13: PGR4, Yo! Bikes and shiznit. Bizarre are on stage taking us through the game. Crazy English people. He’s nervous. Awww, bless.

9.14: So yeah, bikes look a bit shit. They’re showing a nice demo of what seems to be Shanghai, in the rain, at night, on a bike. Doing wheelies and giving the finger. Looks pretty fun. Shame the bike looks like complete wank to play. I hope they go back to MSR, and do the awesome Radio/Weather effects depending on what time of day you play the game at. New Trailer. Pretty FMV. Or is it…yes it is. Or is it… I can’t tell anymore. Racing trailers bore me…How anyone is able to sit through replays is beyond me. I tried in Gran Turismo, but I couldn’t get passed a few minutes of it.

9.17: PGR released in Sept.

9.18: Alan Wake, Banjo, Fable 2, Too Human, Halo Wars all coming this year.

9.18: New Halo story coming from Peter Jackson. Ooooooo, new title to be shown. Oh…now, its Lost Odyssey. Sakaguchi is cool, but seriously…we’ve seen it all. OOOOOO, English voice acting…its come a long way. Lots of FMV. He doesn’t know how he survived…no! He killed a girl. No! He died from a Dragon. No! Kids are fighting. Fuck this looks like Final Fantasy…I'm not actually kidding…it looks exactly like Final Fantasy X…which is no bad thing, but seriously, that game is six years old.

9.20: Shane is throwing his RPG card into the ring.

9.21: Windows is up now. Viva Piñata for windows. Sounds interesting. Gears of War, which we all knew about – he admits it! Who gives a fuck? Oooh, it comes with an editor – Gonzo will cum.

9.21: Fucking Cliffy B. Does anyone else dislike this guy? Don’t get me wrong, if I were to meet him in the pub, I'm sure I’d call him a cunt, and we’d have a great old time. But whenever I see him, he sounds like the biggest geek, living out his dream.

9.22: Where’s your girlfriend Cliff?

9.22: He’s going to show us Gears on the PC – I bet it looks just like Gears on the 360. So apparently it comes with five new chapters…Isn’t that like double the game of the original GoW? So yeah, there’s shooting…big things…like Dragons. More Shooting. More running…utterly predictable, but no doubt the gears geeks are having a wank as we type.

9.23: Move on please, Cliff.

9.24: Thanks Cliff. That was shit.

9.25: Peter is back!!!

9.25: Boring software stuff about Unreal Engine 3.

9.26: Let’s talk about Vista! Marketing, marketing, marketing.

9.27: Games for Windows…games. Some shit about planes, rollercoaster’s and Bee’s. Oooh, Hellgate London. Diablo 3 ‘aint it? Wasn’t Crysis release like last year? It’s been around for ages.

9.29: I'm bored.

9.30: Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Do you kids still play these games? Since when was the Ukraine a DMZ? Lots of guns, explosions, Russian accents, and heartbeats. BORING! Where the fuck is this innovation you promised, Pete? It’s innovative because it’s set in the 00’s? Really? Christ.

9.32: Why are you clapping that?

9.32: Infinity Ward are on stage right now. Awesome, we get a walkthrough! They are doing that X-Files text thing. Apparently the Ukraine is full of Radiation. If you absorb too much radiation, you die. FACT. Sniper shooting. Its 1997 all over again! I remember when they just made games around the Sniper rifle. They were shit, eh? Helicopters and shit! AWESOME! If you lie down, no one can see you. Remember that when you’re next in the Ukraine.

9.37: Yay, the end. An announcement. They are brining out a BETA. Go to COD.com for some details, geeks.

9.38: Let’s talk about more boring shit. Splinter Cell: Conviction. It’s an exclusive.

9.38: Yeah, GTA:4. It appears that all the trailers are in real time, via an XBOX 360. That’s quite impressive, Pete. GTA: 4 is currently my most anticipated title this year. October the 19th is the release. Two new episodes to be released by the spring of 2008.

9.40: Tokyo time. Pete says the 360 has good Japanese software support. All publishers have announced support for Microsoft. Talking about Virtua Fighter 5 being online – well played Microsoft. How much did that cost you?

9.41: Oooh, they are going back on their ‘this year only’ promise. What is it? Resident Evil 5…In game footage apparently. Looks to be set in the Southern States of the US. Interesting.

9.43: Assassins Creed time, another title I'm excited about. That Jade bint that Mike wants to fuck is coming out. Some footage – Yay! Jerusalem is being shown. The whole city is interactive. It’s like a fucking Grand Theft Auto. Impressive! Oh my god, this is fucking in game…They are actually playing this…This is fucking gorgeous. Its running at about 15FPS, hopefully they can increase this. So they’ve got him climbing up the building…like Assassins do. Looks very much like Prince of Persia. Lots of blood, nice. Jade is the worst presenter, ever! Oooh, a boss battle of sorts. It appears that the Assassin is American. I have no idea why. Combat is very Prince of Persia…Very Prince of Persia. I'm now less excited – Combat looks very unoriginal, and increasingly simple. Nice chase through the city shows off the huge environment. Assassins Creed is coming out in November.

9.49: So that was good.

9.50: Something to do with Star Wars now. It must be Halo. Fuck. Bungie and WETA and Neil Beauchamp – Look at the Live Action short. Halo 3…Whoa…what the fuck is this? Its live action, guys! It looks very 1998 at the moment. I am guessing that this will be on YouTube for weeks to come. Lots of helmets, and Cars, and shit. Barcode Tattoos, its all very 1998 still. A few Marines. A few Rifles. This is what they’ve been spending their time doing? Luke Smith, I'm upset. This is terrible. Yeah, that was fucking terrible. What a waste of time.

9.52: September 25th for Halo 3. There is a new console being launched. It’s Green. Special Edition. Worldwide launch. With lots of Halo accessories. How quaint. That’s another few million in the bank, MS.

9.55: Lots of games being shown…again. It’s about the games, apparently. It’s the end. Here’s more Halo. Some Campaign footage? Big Monsters. Halo music. Big space ships. Where’s David Spade? Looks very Halo like…Looks pretty enough. Lots of flying things. People dying…Holograms. Multiplayer action by the looks of it. I want one of those bike things. Nice shot at the end there.

9.57: Jump in – awesome.