Gonzo

The Player Fatwas Vol.1: Franchise.


It's nearly 4PM and I am swamped by work; important things at stake like some dude's life if he gets deported, but everybody needs a break, and I need more than most. Perusing gameindustry.biz mindlessly, as i do, I come across Sierra's Martin Tremblay pontificating about how his company's got the oevas to be different and publish more than its fair share of original IPs. I also notice that Take 2 has started to "float" the prospect of a Bioshock sequel.

What's an original IP to you? The chance for something new, original? A fresh experience which might floor you with its brilliance, rather than that same-but-better affair you tend to buy on a regular basis from GAME, right? Because while we indulge in samey sequels, because while familiarity breeds contempt, it's also, like, familiar. Less effort. Sometimes you need a quickie with your girlfriend who loves you and lovingly pretends to orgasm after just two minutes. That's what girlfriends are for. But you also need excitement every now and then, so you go and cheat on them. That's original IP for me: for when you can be fucked to make an effort.

Erm, anyways. The point, I think, is this: This Tremblay character basically says- "we're the shit at lots of genres". He then goes on, to quote him in full:

On top of these four pillars of genres we're going to create original IP, and I would say we're pretty solid in that direction compared to any other publisher. We're going to be up there with the big guys with regard to creating new franchises.

To people in the games industry, originality means "new franchises". The question for someone doing something new is not "let's make something radical, fresh". No, it's, "okay, we think we've milked Halo Prime Zone Solid for all its worth. We need to come up with some new shit, yo". Other media industries invest in new IP for the specific IP's intrinsic merit. The question might eventually be, "can we franchise this? Can this have a sequel?", but at the outset, they invest in the product. In books, a publisher might invest in the name of a rookie novelist. They won't say, at the outset- okay, we'll roll with it, but only if you can turn this shit into an 18-volume series.

Anyways, I've come to dislike the term. I hereby issue a Player Fatwa, on this word: Franchise. Allah damn us to our very soul if you use it in any context other than scorn. Admittedly, I have consulted no one in "The Team" about this. But if they disagree I'll fatwa their ass too.

PS- the piccie is of me as I read the piece about "new franchises". It makes me mad. Anyhoo, better return to this dude who says he'll die if we kick him out of our country...

Not Ian

Crazy Cash-In

You've probably guessed exactly what this game is like. And you'd be right. (Assuming you guessed that it was a compilation of the first two DC Crazy Taxi games ported over to UMD with some half-hearted extras thrown in. And you hadn't mistakenly thought it was an exciting new game about cool-looking space pirates sailing the Galaxy in search of intergalactic bounty or something). Driving round virtual New York and San Francisco like a loon is still fun. But looking back you can't help but feel Sega missed a trick. The laid-back sunshiner disposition of the drivers is disappointing in retrospect. Especially when there was so much promise that the second New York-set game would feature a bug-eyed paranoic De Niro style figure.

"You wanna go to the baseball stadium, huh? Yeah, I know your type. You just want me to take you to that disgusting semen-smeared Porno Theatre again dont'cha? Well no way buster, I'm not going back to that. Get outta my fucking cab you scumbag, don't let me see round here again. One day a real rain's gonna fall pal!" ...etc.

It's also similarly surprising to see a lack of migrant workers in the New York cabbie ranks, after all most New York drivers are illegal aliens. Illegal aliens in New York. As tantric-shagger extrodinaire Sting would say. Despite both of these missed opportunities the game is still a hoot. Except for the fucking Offspring of course, their tuneless gibbering cod-punk is still shite. But thanks to this new PSP version you can stream your own choons off a memory stick. Who said Sega had no good ideas left in them? Unfortunately the game doesn't prolong the enjoyment as long as the fuckmeister Sting can prolong his orgasms. Sting 1 Sega 0.

Mr. Toups

I (don't) heart Metroid
With the looming release of Metroid Prime 3, can we admit that Prime 2 sucks already? I mean, yeah, Prime was a great game, but it was also a great Metroid game, and it was also in 3D, which was a singular achievement for the time. The second game, though... Man. What went wrong? It ditched the open exploration of the first game in favour of mostly linear threads which were unlocked using items and abilities which were little more than glorified keys. What were they called? Translation modules? Give me a break. On top of this, confusing level design and poor enemies served only to highlight the weaknesses of the Prime series' unique first person control scheme.

And now we have a new trailer for Prime 3, featuring a narrator who seems to have lost her way from a Pantene Pro V commercial, uttering the glib catchphrase "she likes it" in reference to Samus' new (and likely tacked-on, poorly thought out) Phazon abilities. Am I the only one who liked Samus more before she was some sort of BDSM freak who got off on radioactive chemical infusions? I would like to find whatever marketing stooge decided this would be the best way to sell the game. Really, why go there? There's no going back now, however. Back in more innocent times, when we knew nothing about Samus, we were free to imagine anything we wanted about her. I always saw her as a stoic, thoughtful adventurer, hardened by years of bounty hunting in extremely unfriendly environments. Those three words thoughtlessly characterise Samus (I admit it's not the first time, but her monologues in Super Metroid and Metroid Fusion were neutral enough and subtly crafted so as to leave most of the important things up to the imagination), and it makes me feel like a part of my childhood is dying. That I rarely utter that internet-cliched expression speaks either to the lengths of which Retro is sullying the Metroid name, or my own attachment to the series. Probably the latter.

Other things bother me about the new footage. The game seems more and more like an FPS, and it has retained some of Prime 2’s obnoxious habits: NPCs who speak and give you orders, bottomless pits which respawn Samus at their precipice, long stretches of padding while in spiderball mode - and Prime 3 seems to focus and exacerbate these problems. Prime 2 was a critical success, perhaps, but the fact that most game critics are so gullible/ignorant doesn't forgive its many design errors. With its new, more traditional control scheme, Metroid Prime 3 could, at least, be a fun FPS. But, I’ve given up expecting a Metroid game from it. That being said, it still bears the Metroid name, characters, settings etc, so it will be difficult for me to forgive the way it's degrading what is, in my opinion, one of console gaming's oldest and most important franchises. Watching Metroid turn into a Halo wannabe is not only backwards, but humiliating. It's like seeing that one cute nerdy girl in the art club being forcefully seduced against her will by the head quarterback. The last thing I come to Metroid for is to remind me of my own heart being broken in high school.

dean

Review: Rugby 08 - PS2
Rugby is impressive. I am, of course, biased, having partaken in the lifestyle for sixteen years (I'm in my early twenties), I'm able to put my hand on my heart and tell you that it’s one of the most demanding sports out there. Sure, the general perception is that it’s a game for fat boys, full of swearing, drinking and homosexual tendencies. This might even be true, but fuck guys, this isn’t 1984!

Rugby has changed. England are good, the game has fewer fat skinheads than ever, and Johnny Wilkinson is featured on more teenage walls than David Beckham. Still, does anyone outside of our fair community care?

Nope. But that doesn’t matter to EA, who have release another iteration of their Rugby series. Seeing as no one else is bothering, it’s very difficult to judge the merits of their games. We have nothing to compare it to, and nothing really to get angry about.

If you like the sport of Rugby, the chances are you’ll find something to like about this game. If you couldn’t give a fuck about Rugby, you probably aren’t going to give a fuck about Rugby 08. So it really makes this a doozy of a review. Do I bitch that defending is simply a case of running in the general direction of the guy with the ball, or do I applaud the fact that breaking the Australian back line with a well placed cross field kick feels like sex?

As I’ve mentioned before, if a game ticks a few boxes, I will enjoy it. Even if the game is fundamentally broken, I am still able to get masses of gratification from it. Rugby 08 ticks those boxes. While there are many things wrong with it, none of them hurt too badly. Whilst I find myself throwing the Six-Axis at my TV, I'm always picking it up five seconds later ready to start running through my set plays.

Where the game excels is in its ability to make the player feel wonderful. Even if you’re losing 43-0 to Samoa, you’re always one step away from making that perfect play, and scoring a try in the corner. When this happens, you’ll smile, put the controller down, and enjoy the replay.

You’ll then get up, turn the TV off, and scream at your wife because the kicking system is fucking terrible.

dean

Beautiful Bombshell
Hype is a beautiful thing. It allows us, as retards, to know exactly what we want, without even thinking about it. Case in point: Mass Effect.

I remember back at TGS in ’05, when Mass Effect was showing. “Winter 06” it proclaimed and we were fed with art, screenshots, information and videos. Fast forward a couple of years, it remains on the cusp of release, and we’re still being spoon fed information. It’s now reached the point where I couldn’t give a fuck. Go back to March ’06, and I couldn’t have been more excited for the game. It was KOTOR without the bullshit, what’s not to like? But slowly, and gently, my enthusiasm waned, and I started to become jaded from the hype.

I mean, did I really care about KOTOR 3?

Here we are, a month after E3, and two games are in total domination of me.

RockBand and Persona 3.

RockBand excites me, because I totally wasn’t aware of it until recently. I mean, I knew it existed, but I had no idea that it would be young man’s Guitar Hero. Honestly, I can't stand Metallica, and 80s rock music makes me gag, so being able to come home after a miserable day at The Player offices, and bang on a Lego drum set to the sounds of the Hives sounds perfect!

Persona 3 on the other hand, comes at the perfect time. I'm in desperate need of an RPG that I can actually enjoy. An RPG that features kids shooting themselves in the head is one that I'm down with.

So now what? Do I ignore all future news reports on RockBand? Do I stop reading all of the Persona threads at GAF? Is it me who needs to change, or is it an issue with the industry? Why do we need to be given screenshot after screenshot of the same generic FPS we see every year? Why can we just get unbiased reviews of games that we all want to play?

I’m right… right?

Gonzo

Bioshock musings- part one: Spray that fucking Splicer, whiteboy!


Remember E3 2006? Well screw Miyamoto and his comical attempts at conducting. In Bioshock, 360 and potent PC-owners get their chance to orchestrate some seriously fucked up shit- and I think that's the best way to summarise my experience of what's shaping up to be one of the finest adventures a videogame'll take you on. Yes, adventure. Yes, it is technically a shooter. And sure, it all goes down in first-person- but to describe it as an "fps" risks a misunderstanding with those who've excluded the likes of Deus Ex from the ambit of that genre. It's not an RPG either, like the aforementioned nerdfodder (or System Shock, for that matter).

I was told by the PR dude that the atmosphere was a lot like System Shock. I wouldn't know, as I never played it. But if that's the case, I must have missed out- sound and visuals mix to make a game as frightfully ambient as anything that came before. The game did seem to take some of the best features from some of my great gaming experiences. The excellently timed and plotted spawning of scenarios from Half-Life 2, as well as the bypassing-your-environment school of thought when it comes to progression through the levels. The vicious, brutal melee combat of Condemned (I refer to the Splicers here -the hitherto regular, but now utterly batshit inhabitants of Rapture- forget the Big Daddies. Nothing in a videogame has ever hit as hard as they do). It has the character customisation and skill progression of just about every western RPG in the planet- but has the sense to limit it to designated vending machines, rather than a clunky, constantly tempting, menu. But above all the way that it put me in control of more than a mere hand-holding-a-gun cypher instantly reminded me of Deus Ex.

Perhaps I should have suspected as much, from the moment I saw the banner which introduced me to Rapture, the idyllic-yet-surreal, retro-yet-advanced, setting for Irrational's superb title. "No Gods or Kings- Only Man"- the theme of men and women forsaking received theocracy and established power structures to focus on unfettered individual liberty -and ending up bettering themselves at any cost to their humanity- certainly rang a few bells. But it was mostly the way it put me, the player, in control of combat situations through means not limited to pointing a gun and firing. The interaction between plasmids and weapons is one way: starting off with Electrobolt-then-melee, and progressing to all kinds of cool shit; Telekinesis and enflame producing the Molotov teddy-bear being an example. Enflame and Electrobolt being another- set fire to a splicer and she'll run screaming to the nearest pool of water. Ambush her there, zap the water, and she's done.

That's only one facet of the conducting, however. At all times, the player's awareness of his environment- of enemies (and class of enemies), of pools of water or oil, of turrets and cameras and drones- and what he does with it, makes the difference between a desperate, downbeat gun fight, where survival barely feels like an achievement on account of the scarce ammo spent, and supreme empowerment, a kind of "Shaft has hit Rapture- get outta the way, dorks" moment. It's a superb feeling when that comes together. And it's not something Deus Ex ever did achieve.

What a brilliant way to synthesize a number of the best features from modern games, and still end up showing the way forward. The future of shooters, as technology evolves, is likely to end up in that very word- shooter- being questioned as a functioning title for a genre. Bioshock is no more about shooting than an orchestra is about the violin. The contrast between the chaos of charging in, and composed, deliberate, directing of the action, is set to be one of the best feelings in any videogames ever.

I've only played a level and a bit of this. So it may yet go wrong- but I'd be surprised. More later. August 24 people. Shame the Limited Edition don't come with a Big Daddy Helmet.

PS- The opening intro has the loveliest water EVAR. My notes say there was a dedicated member of staff working on just that. Nice to see someone in videogames taking introductory impact seriously. One to note, and learn from, for the makers of Resistance 2, should that title ever come to pass.

Dean

$396.40
My wife calls me up and explains that she's, "sick and tired of all those fucking games". I'm sure you know the story. You're out shopping, for whatever the fuck it is this week, and you walk past EB Games. You stumble in, wrinkle your nose at the smell, and proceed to walk to the pre-owned area. You enjoy videogames, and your collection can never be too big, eh?

Fifteen minutes later, you walk out clutching three incredibly average XBOX titles that some kid on a forum was wanking off about last week. You couldn't help yourself, you just had to see for yourself, and it's not like that $46 bucks could be spent anywhere else, right?

You get them home, you find half an hour to test drive 'em, and what do you know, that kid was fucking insane.

So the games get relegated to shelf, and you continue playing Winning Eleven or Football Manager or whatever the fuck it is you default to.

I'm sure this is a situation many of you can sympathise with, and you can understand the cause for my wife's anguish.

So yesterday, while partaking in a spot of tidying up, I decide to comply with my wife's wishes, and box up my games, and put them into a corner somewhere.

I probably should have done this years ago, as it really isn't fun having to explain to dinner guests why I own three copies of Prince of Persia (the XBOX version is superior!).

While rummaging through, I decide, "Fuck! Rock Band is going to cost me $200+. Is there any real way I can justify to myself how that money will be well spent when I have umpteen other bills to be paying (especially around Christmas)? Why don't I just trade in all the shit I've collected over the years, and get prepare for the onrush of Christmas?
" So there I was, deciding what I should keep, and what I shouldn't keep.

Forza - Throw
NBA 2K5 - Throw
NHL 07 - Throw
Shenmue 2 - Keep
Virtua Fighter 4 - Keep
Virtua Fighter 5 - Throw

I finally reached the grand tally of 28 games, two memory cards, and my PS3 memory card adapter.

Sunday rolls around, and the wife and I travel over to the Strip Mall in New Westminster and visit the tiny little EB Games store. I compose myself, strap my backpack on, carry my Guitar Hero box under one arm, and walk into that boutique with the confidence of an 34 year old at a Green Day concert.

"Hey guys, I've got a silly amount of shit I want to trade in...A silly amount"

"Let's see it then."

"Seriously, it's fucking stupid, sorry to do this to you"

I hand over the goods, stand around for 20 minutes, my wife looking increasingly bored, until finally...

"So, the grand total today will be...$396.40"

Good God.

I thank them, I walk out of the store, and being to feel a little sorry for myself.

"They looked so nice on my shelf... Fuck the dinner guests, they wont even know how awesome Prince of Persia is!"

Oh well, Rock Band beckons...

"You are not having a drum set in our living room!"

Fuck.

Not Ian

Top 5:
TV shows that should've been made into games

1. Grange Hill

Throwing sausages around in the canteen, letting off fire extinguishers in the halls, innercity tension, massive fuck-off rucks with rival schools, growing pains, period pains, teenage suicide, shagging, drinking, piss-taking and pregnancy. All things that should be seen in games more often, Grange Hill is/was perfect for a nice bit of videogame tomfoolery. Even though it's a kid's show, the main characters portayed in it have usually been a hundred times more well-rounded and believeable than the standard gaming protagonists. Add in the fact that games have never ever told an adult story half as well as Grange Hill told Zammo's descent into heroin addiction. A loveable lead-character who ends up smacked out in a youth-club toilet has also been a surprisingly underused theme in gaming. Sort it out, industry.

2. Red Dwarf

"Kryten, go to red alert"
"Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb"

With games going ever further down that moronic 'square-jawed space-marine lights a fag and saves the universe' route it would be a perfect time to send-up all that tedious bollocks, and a Red Dwarf game could be the answer we've all been looking for. The future according to Red Dwarf doesn't consist of hollywood style men-of-action saving the universe from alien peril, but a scouse slob floating aimlessly through the outer reaches of space whilst slacking his way through his role as sole surviving member of humanity. Instead of being backed up by a tactical nuke and a uneasy alliance with an alien race, Lister is joined in time & space by the hologram of a former chicken-soup repairman, a total idiot who descended from the common house cat and an android with a malfunctioning housework chip. A game featuring these elements would obviously be about a million times more entertaining than Halo & Gears Of War combined.

3. The Magic Roundabout

Surrealism is another thing that has been criminally underused in games for a good while now, and drug inspired family entertainment even more so. What better way to combine these two elements than a Magic Roundabout game. Favourite of seventies children and drop-outs alike, the Magic Roundabout is the kind of game I'd actually look foward to playing. Naturally I have no idea how it would work, but controlling a character who bounced around like Zebadee is a sure-fire gameplay winner. I rest my case for the defence right there. Zebadee.

4. Ripping Yarns

Michael Palin and Terry Jones' post-Python show features stuff you'd think would be present in more games - adventure, high-jinks, boys own escapism, and good old fashioned british stiff upper lip-edness. Ripping Yarns was based around the comics of the 20's and 30's where young scallywags would learn the basics of being a good egg and furthering the Empire. 'Roger Of The Raj', 'Across The Andes By Frog' - even the titles get you fired up for a bit of old-school adventuring. Save the country in time for afternoon tea, and do try to keep a bit of British dignity about the whole thing, Jenkins.

Actually, a gaming version of this would no-doubt be horrible, with those stupid mid-atlantic voices and all hints of subtlety and wit systematically ironed out so as to become understandable to idiotic american teens. But I still wish they would give the idea a thought.

5. The Sweeney

"Hello son, we're the sweeney"

I'm too young to have watched it at the time but the idea of The Sweeney has always appealed to me, drive around seventies London in a cortina using massively over-the-top violence to arrest platform shoed no-gooders. Games like The Getaway were obviously going for this angle (with a modern day twist) but unfortunately never pulled it off, mainly because they were so fucking stupid and 'Guy Richie' about the whole thing. This idea may be hampered somewhat by the fact that John Thaw is dead and therefore unavailable for voice-over duties. Still, that's no reason for the gaming industry not to cash in on an iconic series is it?

Well, it never has been before.

Honourable mentions:

Mr Benn, The Rise And Fall Of Reginald Perrin, Quantum Leap, Bullseye, The Prisoner, Doctor Who, The Wire, Rentaghost, Pat Sharp's Funhouse, Noel's Houseparty, Knightmare (DS, obviously)

dean

Sony Fanboy
I purchased Rugby 2008 last night. Its quite good, a little bit fiddly, but you know, I love them there sports games. But yeah...I played it for about an hour. However, before I started, the PS triple informed me that there was an update required. So off I went, and updated her.

Now I can use wallpapers - awesome!

I then wandered over to the PSN store, and guess what? I'm still able to download 10 year old games for $10!

"Fuck that" I said to my Cat, and we hovered over the demo's.

"hmmm, Heavenly Sword" my Cat mused: I agreed and we clicked, and downloaded the 1GB demo.

First impressions? It looks quite good - lots of detail on the mixed race main character with the quintessential British accent. Shame about her cohort, who sounds like a fucking pixie (FYI: My wife thinks David Beckham sounds like a pixie...work that one out, Brits).

The game itself? Not impressed.

It plays like a borked version of God of War, who happens to have fucked the original (and very underrated) Genji. There were times when you're simply getting pummled, and you have no idea what to do, except roll away. Also, the game just throws enemies at you. Example; you're stuck on this random pillar, about 400 feet in the air, and the only way up or down, is the jump. You start out with around ten enemies to kill, and after ten minutes of killing, you find out there are now twelve enemies on the pillar.

Thats great design guys.

"Here's what we do...to increase the game length, while keeping the locations short and sweet, we'll just add an increasing number of enemies to keep the player hammering square and triangle for fifteen minutes before they can move on."

Yeah, colour me very unimpressed. I'm not sure that I'll pick it up: Don't get me wrong, it looks lovely, but really, surely it should? Its been in development for about four years...

So, fuck that. That Kojima MGS4 playthrough loomed.

Looks good, eh? I very much doubt you and I will be able to play like they did though...Did you see how smooth they were.

"See that guy there? You see him, he's about 2 miles away...BANG! See, he's dead"

"Oh, yeah, see, I'm now camouflaged, I'm going to sneak up to these seven guys, dressed as a barrel, and slit their throats. See? BANG!"

But seriously, if the game throughout has that level of detail I'm sold. I'm mildly looking forward to it.

Another thing though: While the game looks good, it doesn't actually look all that different to any other MGS game. Sure, higher textures, smoother framerate, etc. But nothing has really changed in 9 years.

Is this a good, or a bad thing?