Martin H

Virtually Inaccessible

My Wii has been a hive of blue light activity over the past few days, what with all the new mail from the Nintendo quarters. And it all seemed so promising.

My first piece of 'amazing' news was the fact that the big N had finally made those fucking ridiculous Nintendo Stars worth sommat more than a shoddy wallpaper/ringtone/PRINT-OUT OF A GBA TO PUT ON TOP OF YOUR TELLY. Whilst not quite at the lofty echelons of the Japanese Club-Nintendo cool-as-fuck-but-pointless-as-hell gifts on offer, it's now possible to swap these stars for points to buy old games off the Wii shop. 'Get in', I think to myself, now a way to play silly-expensive Sin And Punishment without paying.

Except there's one problem. The system for getting your points is totally borked. Totally.

If you're cool enough not to own a Wii, here's how it works - you swap your stars for a points card, like XBox Live pre-paid cards. Great. Shame the cards are never on sale. Presumably to stop the die-hard-fanboys in exploiting their never-splurged (on or over?) Wii points, no doubt amassing in the thousands, there is a download limit per day.
Seriously, Nintendo. Take the hit at first, then have a decent system up and running...

If that wasn't exciting enough, more mail today told me that I can now buy Virtual Console games to send to other people. Fucksake. If I can't get them for free, what makes these cads think I'm going to buy one for anyone else.

Once again, Nintendo win my 'Most Pointless Shit Ever' award.

I'm off to play my rather expensive download of Psychonauts on my 360.

Ian

THEPLAYER's Podcast

Piracy

For 2007's final blast, Dean, H and Mike attempt keen, planet-shattering insight, tackling LucasArts' Monkey Island adventures, in what's feared to be the first in a series of examinations of memorable or even Important videogames.

In practice, this seems to involve firing off "like" and "y'know", like, a lot. Y'know.

All aboard for boyish enthusiasm, nostalgia, and the usual levels of swearing, teasing and reckless superlatives we hope audiences have come to expect, and perhaps even enjoy.

A merry festival-of-choice to all.

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Tracklist:

Pixies - Isla De Encanta
Tom Tom Club - Wordy Rappinghood

BGM:

Frank Zappa - The Gumbo Variations
Santana - Incident At Neshabur
LTJ Bukem - Unconditional Love

Katie

Screenwipe

If I were to be supremely condemnatory, I’d go so far as to describe the screenshot as almost entirely irrelevant. Next to a newly-released "artist’s rendition" of the new Nintendo console and Take 2’s expertly crafted fiascos, there’s nothing quite so effective in throwing our video gaming selves into a flurry of judgemental internet-based frothing. Be it in support or, more often, anger, saliva and screenshots play a crucial part in our very initial commentary on the latest news. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I ask "why?"

You could argue that they present expecting excitables with a more definitive definition of the game, a form in which they could take the hyperbole and sometimes excessive floral detailing of previews and press releases into a single designation – pictures say a thousand words or something. They allow you to forge a more concise interpretation of the game’s atmosphere that could never really be justified in literary terms. Just one of the many inadequacies of the lineal medium, author Harlan Ellison would oft-complain and I agree. Just how many words would it take to literate a thousand pictures?

But that’s what the promotional art is for. Often more impressive, elaborate, more revealing of the tone and palette, more demonstrative of the characters without the restrictions of polygons and in-game angles which are never viewed when you’re actually playing the game, more creative with the gimmicks and features of the title than a checklist and a montage of the same sprite in different colours, just this pure distilled expression of what the game is about. You only need to look at Akihiko Yoshida’s awe-inspiring cover art for Vagrant Story or the elegant melodrama of the Castlevania artwork. Screenshots will never be able to compete.

If you want straight information on the game, if you want to know how it will play, how you’ll feel when you’re gripping the joypad between your digits with eyes focused solely on the screen in front then what better source than interviews with the creators? To be able to gather the information straight from the horse’s mouth without the unavoidable and sometimes unnoticeable alterations your verbose publications will employ. If Yoshinori Ono says Street Fighter 4 will be more orientated towards attacking then defence then chances are it will be. You’ll learn more through the man’s horse-mouth words than the in-game facial expressions between Ryu and Ken. Screenshots will never be able to compete.

Or so they shouldn’t but they do. We lust after them like hungry pack wolves, huddled together in the bleakest and brightest corridors of the internet, waiting impatiently at every announcement or arranged event, journalists live-blogging with hunched obsessives bathed in the flickering glow of their monitors clicking the ‘refresh’ button every half-second for that first stealing glimpse. And we’re always playing Goldilocks, that glimpse is always too hot or too cold, there’s always an issue with the detailing of the laser beam (Halo 3) or the re-use of GBA sprites (Final Fantasy Tactics A2) or complaining about the complete change in art direction (Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker). And we’re near always wrong – Halo 3 was in beta at the time and now looks incredible, Tactics A2 does not re-use GBA sprites and looks incredible and Wind Waker is now remembered as one of the most visually charming titles in the series and looks incredible.

A screenshot is not news, there is very little to feast on after the dust has settled and flamboyant raging arguments have subsided until you realise, dust down, you’ve been mauling each other over very little meat indeed while the cunning bugger in the corner’s merrily chomping on Kojima’s announcement that Metal Gear Solid 4 has dirty magazines in it. No one looks back and says "oh, didn’t that screenshot look just dreamy?" No, we look back and furiously masturbate over Yoshida’s perfectly pornographic paintwork or raise a glass to celebrate that Phantom Hourglass looks just like Wind Waker. That’s how it should be from the start. That is what we should be able to recognise and appreciate, to discuss and debate without tripping into pitfalls left for us in the form of mildly pretty (or not) stills, without the need or desire to desperately detail every ridiculous aspect of a product which will look entirely different when in motion.

Katie

Acute Issue
I’ll start and end on personal notes. I’m going to be presumptuous and state that unlike the other more-talented The Player folk, I like video games innocence. Which is nothing like reality innocence, which might see Little Timmy feel comfortable happy-slapping his grampappy ‘til he turned more blind if it meant getting a guest spot on Little Big Brother or something, I don’t know.

No, video games innocence, to me, is something mysterious and heartening and, perhaps most of all, overpowering. It’s that literally magical (it could only be magical, there’s no other explanation I’m willing to accept) quality often attached to thin-faced, big eyed leads in [mostly Nip] games that seems to make them oh so amiable. That quality which sees the special fourteen-year-old salvation inevitably carve a monster count in the hundreds whilst minding his P’s and Q’s and generally being awful trusting of everyone. Especially his silver haired older best friend who shows up halfway through dressed entirely in black who is later revealed in the guide book to wield a sword titled "The Traitor" or so.

Why, when Sora is whisked away from his luxury tropical island home, given a giant key and told he must save several universes and remains chirpy throughout, I’m astonished I’m not violently sick. When Marche wakes in the middle of the street to find his town has changed into the kingdom of Ivalice before being challenged to a punch-up by bipedal lizards with only "a stuffed toy?" for help, I’m not switching off, refusing to accept the notion that children could do anything besides swear profusely before flipping fingers and fucking off for a shoplift.

I’m not convinced it’s necessary. Kingdom Hearts is often criticised for being inherently Disney in tone, with fans eager to celebrate the loss of primary colours with each new secret ending and trailer released and Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, despite the Japanese version handling issues such as alcoholism that Westerners don’t or shouldn’t know about, is occasionally dismissed by fanatics politely requesting the same degree of discreet storytelling PS1 Tactics produced.

They certainly aren’t aspiration, they haven’t promoted a generation of ever-hugging lovey pillocks floating through their lives with a smile and generosity poring out of every slimy orifice they possess, because (and I’ll continue to be presumptuous, hopefully with your blessing) most people who find themselves attached to these kind of leads are whining teenage pillocks moping through their lives with headphones in, frowns out and a thin slathering of oil poring out of every slimy orifice.

This in an entertainment format which eagerly produces pop icons out of spikey-haired grumpy sods with oversized weaponry in secret military groups made up of the emotionally unstable, gun-wielding big titted posh totty and butch, faceless ugly-shade-of-green space marines who clearly has a black man’s voice because they sound the coolest (this is a lie, by the way, the voice actor’s white). I’d hesitate to compare the excesses of fanart dedicated to each in some gruesome competition to demonstrate their popularity, if only due to my pronounced dislike of fanart and this isn’t GameFAQs, for God’s sake.

If we wanted to place a single word description, I would happily nominate ‘infectious.' Irrationally and unfairly unexpectedly so. Like a plague or an irritatingly catchy pop song that makes you consider murder/ suicide pacts to end the pain. But like Take That and the bubonic, you’re not sightless to the simpering stupidity, the excessive and unimaginably moronic dialogue, the unappealing stereotypes and often-accompanying Massive Damage (sorry) barrage of fantasy terminology, followed by more unimaginably moronic explanations again-oft surrounding a ridiculous recipe of amnesia, trust to the point of ignorance and the inevitable betrayal you saw just by their dress sense on the back of the box.

It doesn’t matter though. I forgive it. Stupid, moronic, unappealing, stereotypical and unexplainable but I, for one, am damn grateful for it. Because when you’ve got the Player furiously jacking off to Angelina Jolie’s digital rendition and Steve Downes’ sultry tones bringing the most ridiculously uncharismatic video game lead in decades to slighting popularity, I’ll happily entertain the notion that somewhere, imaginary sweetheart teenagers can save the world with insipid ear-reaching smiles, and me along with them. The happy little fucks.

Gonzo

Spike TV Awards, Get the Fuck Out.


It's not that Spike TV made Bioshock their Game of the Year- that accolade was entirely justified, if you ask me- it's the sheer embarassment of the categories that gets me.

I mean, what must Samuel L Jackson have thought, privately, at the following list?

Best shooter; Best action game (which was won by, er, Mario Galaxy...); Best rhythm game; Best RPG; Best driving game; Best military game; Best graphics; Breakthrough technology; Best PS3 game (easiest...category... everrr); Best Wii game; Best Xbox 360 game; Best PC game; Best individual sports game Best team sports game(Oh for FUCK's Sake); Best handheld game; Best game based on a movie or TV show; Best soundtrack; Best original score; Best multiplayer game;

and... wait for it: "Most addictive game": Halo 3.

This is so grating for anyone who takes games semi-seriously, like yours truly (yeah, I know I shouldn't, but I do). The smartest game in a long time (that's bioshock BTW okay no STFU you know nothing) gets recognition from... yet another dumb "awards show".

I'm not even railing at the PR-coloured tint of these awards shows- after all, most movie, TV, and music industry awards perform much the same function. It's just that only in videogames will you find quite so shameless a saturation of categories Just To Please Everybody. Action, Shooter, and Military game make three categories out of what should only be one. Best Score and Best Soundtrack, Individual sports and team sports. Seriously, now, what?

I'm not even that bothered by the patent nonsense thrown up by the results. Bioshock , out on 360 and PC, is GOTY without being the best shooter or the best action game. It's not the most addictive game either. While it is the best game on 360, you'll notice that The Orange Box is the better PC game - though somehow not quite Game of the Year for it.

The real issue is why each genre must have an award. What's wrong with games getting recognised for Script, Score, Art Direction(photography), Original Game Design, Technological Achievement (Special Effects) and, I don't know, Sound Effects. All the important constituant parts of a good game. Pick out one shorty and an independent out of the bunch, and turn the travesty that is "Game of the Year" into a recognisable achievement for any Project Lead for how his game fared against criteria like polish, production values, voice acting, completeness of experience and the like.

Then we could stop arguing about the categories so much, and start railing against the divvies who have Bioshock picked for most of these new & improved award categories. I'd definitely be one of them. In fact, maybe I should start the "Gonzo" awards. Yes, as a matter of fact I will.

THE GONZO FATWA AWARDS 2007, Coming Soon, with Special Guests Salman Rushdie, Suzi Quatro and my Mom.

Chris W

Final Fantasy III
Publisher: Square Enix
Developer: Square Enix / Matrix Software
Platform: DS
Available: Now

A question for you, Players: what is a remake? It seems obvious enough, but I bet you can’t pin it down in a few words. Let’s work it out together.

Clearly, a mere port of a title to a new platform won’t cut it. Adding new characters or dungeons, tweaking item drops or stats is closer, but we’re still talking ‘enhanced’ rather than a remake. No, something needs to be reworked substantially to earn the title; a redesign for a new generation. So let’s rephrase the question: which aspects do we have to redesign? Is a graphical overhaul enough, or should something more fundamental be addressed? Does it depend on the innards of the target machine? Or on those of the game?

There are two core elements that comprise each Final Fantasy title: the story (or characters), and the battle system. And here, by so sumptuously, so lavishly overhauling the presentation, that first aspect has without doubt been addressed and remade gloriously. It’s sometimes said there are only seven stories in the world, and to retell this one in such opulent fashion is surely as good as you can get without rewriting the narrative afresh - which would essentially create a new FF game, not a remake.

All of which makes it so stupefying that the combat system remains a relic of the past. Hear this: your team’s actions must be decided upon before each round begins, but then play order - both yours and the enemy’s - is completely random. Consequently, if one character takes heavy damage you have the choice of a) assigning one person to do the healing and hoping he or she gets in there before the victim is killed, or b) assigning everyone to healing and squandering three turns (and hoping the enemy doesn’t get the first move, killing the casualty anyway). Forget all you’ve learned about Final Fantasy in the last decade and a half, because any strategy you can come up with here is necessarily and critically compromised by a reliance on dumb luck. Taking the active battle system from any subsequent game, hell, just giving everyone a Speed stat would have made a world of difference. But no.

When I buy a remake, I’m not interested in the ‘charm’ of the old-school experience. There are updates and ports which manage that without pretense, and enhancements that get a dab of polish and minor tweaking with no duplicity as to their lack of modern credentials underneath. But crucially, this isn’t a simple lick of paint, and the sheer magnitude of effort that’s gone into making this look and sound so wonderful, without ever addressing what makes the game tick, creates grave doubts over who Square Enix are trying to fool: us or themselves. Final Fantasy has long been their flagship audiographical series - compare the beautiful but less mainstream splendour of Dragon Quest VIII’s cartoon appeal - but this reliance on sensory updates above all else must be a cause for concern, and when the series is now consuming its past just as visibly as its present, it can only bode ill for the future.

Summary:

The most technologically impressive show yet seen from the DS, coupled to the most decrepit gameplay mechanic. Fans of the series will adore it, but Pokémon’s battle system craps all over this, for Christ’s sake.

Ian

Blazing Angels 2: Secret Missions Of WWII

War is hell, obviously and the Second World War was more hellish than most. If the endless procession of WWII shooters have taught us nothing (and they haven't) it's that watching your best friend being torn apart by machinegun fire on the beaches of Normandy is a real bitch. But seen from the skies WWII actually becomes quite a jolly experience. That's certainly the picture Ubisoft paint in this rather excellent WWII fighter-pilot game. You'll often find your wingmen having a spot of friendly banter on the radio as you team up with them to bring down a squadron of Heinkel's. You can almost imagine them supping a nice cup of Earl Gray in the cockpit as they zoom down upon the unsuspecting Jerries, guns blazing.

Re-living the aerial battles of WWII virtually is something I'm rather pathetically interested in, purely because my Grandad was in the RAF and used to keep me amused as a young child with stories of the dare-devil adventures of various squadrons. These stories fired my imagination and like many young boys before me I felt impelled to take to the skies over Europe and wage a bitter and bloody air-war against the Germans. The beaurocrats of the private-pilot's licence board stopped me from putting my plan into action in real life so now console based aviation-apocalypse is all that's left to me. Of course, as I got a bit older I began to realise that most of my Grandad's stories had been made up purely to see the shock and enjoyment in my cherubic little face.

Blazing Angels 2 takes a similar over-the-top view of the WWII air-campaign to my Grandad, it's the videogame equivalent of swooping your hand around infront of you like a small plane and making machine gun noises. Realism is thankfully thrown out the window fairly early on, one mission sees you attacking a giant Zeppelin which is also being used as a floating aircraft hanger. Which is completely not made up and utterly plausible. It looks ace as well. Slowly the game introduces those favourites of the History channel, the secret Luftwaffe weapons "that would have swung the war Adolf's way if only the Nazi's could manufacture enough of them". They all look suitably cool and exciting and a hell of a lot better than the History Channel's own pathetic computer mock-up's of them (tune in any night of the week to see a huge selection of Secret Nazi War Weapon-type programs)

The gameplay is equally satisfying, although obviously leaning towards to more arcade side of the gaming spectrum. Thankfully. Controls are easy to get to grips with and provide plenty of opportunities for mad loop-the-loops and other crazy flying fun. The levels feature some nice 'stunt' bonus areas to show your skills off too, places such as underneath the arches of a river-bridge or between the legs of the Eiffel Tower. Like I said, realism is kept at a distance. The combat is also more 'hands on' and visceral than most other flight-sim cum shooters, there's always a huge numbers of targets and bonus targets around you which makes the levels feel more like a random war zone than an on-rails borefest. Let's face it, shooting down an enemy bomber with a machine gun is always more enjoyable than just spotting him on your radar and locking on from ten miles away with your missiles. You also get a bit of radio-banter from the cheeky Nazi's telling you how they're gonna shoot you down, and how the Nazi's are bound to win the war - it's like a 1940's version of the pre-match wrestling interviews. More german wrestlers is a must, if you ask me.

The very best thing about this game is the fact that I picked it up for next to nothing. Going cheap it was, probably to make way for the stream of big-hitting Christmas blockbusters. Cheers industry. It's also fairly short and sweet meaning that I can complete it whilst waiting for those afore-mentioned blockbusters to be reduced and flogged off cheap themselves. Which should be any time around early January.

mike

The Player Podcast: November 07 #1

THEPLAYER's Podcast

Disgrace

Prised at last from the the fuzzy arms of limbo, Mike, H and the ever-decadent Gonzo return to your Internet, pondering cheating in videogames, the sheer evils of feminism, and revealing an ugly truth or two about the Gamesmaster Channel 4 TV show.

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Tracklist:

Martha and the Muffins - What People Do For Fun
Aretha Franklin - Respect

BGM:

Royal Nightclub - Welcome Back, Robin
Ride - OX4
Eddie Hazel - What It About

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Visit The Player at: http://www.the-playermagazine.com

mike

Scout Niblett feat. Bonnie Prince Billy

What a song, peeps. Digest, consume, enjoy. If you can say you've heard a better song than this over the last year you are either (a) lying (b) not lying and, as a result, are, in fact, telling the truth.

If (a), lol pwned.

If (b), gimme, yo!