Dean

Uncharted Territory

Uncharted makes me want to start several threads on multiple forums. I want to shout to the world that Uncharted is the perfect mix of pre-millennium platforming and post Gears of War over-the-shoulder; without all the associated bullshit that goes with it. The thing is, I’m about five months too late. I spent most of the past few months trying to tell myself that Uncharted is just not for me – or that I was not for Uncharted.

What a fool I was. I remember playing the demo back in October and being sufficiently underwhelmed.

I died fairly quickly and gave up. Demos should not allow you to die. They should be easy enough to make you feel like you can carry on for another ten hours, but challenging enough to not want to give up after five minutes. So in my infinite wisdom I decided to stick it to the man and ignore it.

But now I’m about five hours in and thoroughly enjoying my time! It reminds me of one of those games that simply encourages you to play. It actively encourages you to jump about and experiment with the environment. Sure, you die, but the game always resumes a split second before you attempted your suicidal feat.

While this lessens the tension, it increases the confidence of the videogame. You understand that you’re actually playing an unabashed, all balls out game, and it’s great fun. I’ve become rather bored with the over indulgence of developers to spend too much time fantasising about trying to create ‘realistic’ videogames. Fuck that! I want to follow Francis Drake on a treasure trail throughout the South Pacific. It makes me feel like a child again!

Feels like Monkey Island.

Mike

Legend Of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

A true story. I was feeling bad for not playing my DS. It's like, I know it's fun, it's a lovely bit of kit, but I really can't be arsed with it. My PSP takes my time for the most part, and I'm perfectly contented with that arrangement. But, time has gone on (and on) and I've been feeling progressively worse for neglecting it. Yes, I know, it's just a bit of plastic but some part of me was trying to say that I really don't hate Nintendo.

So, HMV was being browsed just after Christmas, gift card in hand, and I saw The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass on sale for little over twenty quid. Given that I still had money left on the card from previous purchases (Syphon Filter: Logan's Shadow and a VHS head cleaner - I just had to watch Grease 2) it'd only cost me a tenner. Bargain, I thought.

Fast forward a month and I get around to playing it. How do I put this gently? What a pile of unadulterated shite. I mean, really, has it come to this? Say what you want about the Wii being a triumph of PR, say what you want about Mario's Galaxies, level any accusation against Nintendo you want, but I'd (perhaps naively) always held Zelda and Metroid above all the bullshit surrounding the culture. They were good games, I even enjoyed the Oracle of... games on the GameBoy.

Phantom Hourglass though, is bad. It's bad because I can see exactly why people like it, and this makes them thick. It's bad because it's an inferior game in a great series with a gimmicky control scheme that fools people into thinking it's better than it is.

Take away the control scheme for a second. Take away the touch screen and just look at what you're playing. A bland game with sparse areas, unchallenging puzzles and A-to-B-to-C-back-to-A gameplay. Fuck this shit. If any of these dungeons were in Ocarina, Link To The Past or Majora's Mask someone would have been fired. And that's what Zelda has always been about, the Dungeons, the bosses and, to be honest, they're barely average.

I hate Nintendo.

Ian

Murder, Death, Kill

The moment has nearly arrived, when the release of GTA4 sees a whole generation of young men taking the day off work to pump virtual lead into virtual passers-by. When I finished San Andreas I decided, after three console versions and two top-down PC originals, I was officially GTA-ed out. But recently, my Uzi trigger-finger has been twitching, in anticipation of the next installment in the series. I turned my attention to the already owned, but previously ignored PSP games - Liberty City Stories and its Vice City counterpart.

The PSP isn't the best console to go on a crime-spree with - the awkward analogue nub and fewer buttons at your disposal make mowing down pensioners and murdering prostitutes a touch more tricky. Despite the slight limitations, I soon found the Grand Theft Auto feeling was back! The reckless driving, the hideously violent baseball bat attacks on people who annoy me, the regular use and subsequent murder of prozzers. It's like how my life would be, if only those do-gooders down the cop shop would let me. Giving it the Boyz n the Hood attitude on the streets of San Andreas is still the series highlight for me - as a white suburban male, it was naturally my dream to perform an inner-city drive-by whilst listening to NWA.

Hopefully we'll see some classic choons finally given the Rockstar treatment. I'm awaiting the day I make my escape from the fuzz with the power chords of Steppenwolf's "Born To Be Wild" blaring from the car radio. Finishing off a rival gangland boss with a switchblade to the tune of Orange Juice's "Rip It Up" would be fun. GTA is nothing if not a pop-culture potpourri, and creating your own custom soundtracks on the original Xbox versions felt great. If only you could get the piss-taking adverts in there somewhere. I clearly remember watching the morning sun rise over a scuzzy Liberty City as Keith Moon's drums kicked off "Baba O'Riley". "Don't cry, don't raise your eye, It's only teenage wasteland...", yeah, belt it out, Daltrey. Townshend's chords came crashing in, and another day of crime and murder began. With a glint in my eye and a gun in my hand, I'd got it in mind to get paid. Paid in full.

It's like Nena sang, as we raced recklessly through the streets of Vice City:

"99 Luftballons
Auf ihrem weg zum horizont
Hielt man fuer UFOs aus dem all"....

Hopefully those lyrics turn out to mean something significant in German, otherwise I'll look a right tit ending a piece like this.