Not Ian

Crazy Cash-In

You've probably guessed exactly what this game is like. And you'd be right. (Assuming you guessed that it was a compilation of the first two DC Crazy Taxi games ported over to UMD with some half-hearted extras thrown in. And you hadn't mistakenly thought it was an exciting new game about cool-looking space pirates sailing the Galaxy in search of intergalactic bounty or something). Driving round virtual New York and San Francisco like a loon is still fun. But looking back you can't help but feel Sega missed a trick. The laid-back sunshiner disposition of the drivers is disappointing in retrospect. Especially when there was so much promise that the second New York-set game would feature a bug-eyed paranoic De Niro style figure.

"You wanna go to the baseball stadium, huh? Yeah, I know your type. You just want me to take you to that disgusting semen-smeared Porno Theatre again dont'cha? Well no way buster, I'm not going back to that. Get outta my fucking cab you scumbag, don't let me see round here again. One day a real rain's gonna fall pal!" ...etc.

It's also similarly surprising to see a lack of migrant workers in the New York cabbie ranks, after all most New York drivers are illegal aliens. Illegal aliens in New York. As tantric-shagger extrodinaire Sting would say. Despite both of these missed opportunities the game is still a hoot. Except for the fucking Offspring of course, their tuneless gibbering cod-punk is still shite. But thanks to this new PSP version you can stream your own choons off a memory stick. Who said Sega had no good ideas left in them? Unfortunately the game doesn't prolong the enjoyment as long as the fuckmeister Sting can prolong his orgasms. Sting 1 Sega 0.

Mr. Toups

I (don't) heart Metroid
With the looming release of Metroid Prime 3, can we admit that Prime 2 sucks already? I mean, yeah, Prime was a great game, but it was also a great Metroid game, and it was also in 3D, which was a singular achievement for the time. The second game, though... Man. What went wrong? It ditched the open exploration of the first game in favour of mostly linear threads which were unlocked using items and abilities which were little more than glorified keys. What were they called? Translation modules? Give me a break. On top of this, confusing level design and poor enemies served only to highlight the weaknesses of the Prime series' unique first person control scheme.

And now we have a new trailer for Prime 3, featuring a narrator who seems to have lost her way from a Pantene Pro V commercial, uttering the glib catchphrase "she likes it" in reference to Samus' new (and likely tacked-on, poorly thought out) Phazon abilities. Am I the only one who liked Samus more before she was some sort of BDSM freak who got off on radioactive chemical infusions? I would like to find whatever marketing stooge decided this would be the best way to sell the game. Really, why go there? There's no going back now, however. Back in more innocent times, when we knew nothing about Samus, we were free to imagine anything we wanted about her. I always saw her as a stoic, thoughtful adventurer, hardened by years of bounty hunting in extremely unfriendly environments. Those three words thoughtlessly characterise Samus (I admit it's not the first time, but her monologues in Super Metroid and Metroid Fusion were neutral enough and subtly crafted so as to leave most of the important things up to the imagination), and it makes me feel like a part of my childhood is dying. That I rarely utter that internet-cliched expression speaks either to the lengths of which Retro is sullying the Metroid name, or my own attachment to the series. Probably the latter.

Other things bother me about the new footage. The game seems more and more like an FPS, and it has retained some of Prime 2’s obnoxious habits: NPCs who speak and give you orders, bottomless pits which respawn Samus at their precipice, long stretches of padding while in spiderball mode - and Prime 3 seems to focus and exacerbate these problems. Prime 2 was a critical success, perhaps, but the fact that most game critics are so gullible/ignorant doesn't forgive its many design errors. With its new, more traditional control scheme, Metroid Prime 3 could, at least, be a fun FPS. But, I’ve given up expecting a Metroid game from it. That being said, it still bears the Metroid name, characters, settings etc, so it will be difficult for me to forgive the way it's degrading what is, in my opinion, one of console gaming's oldest and most important franchises. Watching Metroid turn into a Halo wannabe is not only backwards, but humiliating. It's like seeing that one cute nerdy girl in the art club being forcefully seduced against her will by the head quarterback. The last thing I come to Metroid for is to remind me of my own heart being broken in high school.

dean

Review: Rugby 08 - PS2
Rugby is impressive. I am, of course, biased, having partaken in the lifestyle for sixteen years (I'm in my early twenties), I'm able to put my hand on my heart and tell you that it’s one of the most demanding sports out there. Sure, the general perception is that it’s a game for fat boys, full of swearing, drinking and homosexual tendencies. This might even be true, but fuck guys, this isn’t 1984!

Rugby has changed. England are good, the game has fewer fat skinheads than ever, and Johnny Wilkinson is featured on more teenage walls than David Beckham. Still, does anyone outside of our fair community care?

Nope. But that doesn’t matter to EA, who have release another iteration of their Rugby series. Seeing as no one else is bothering, it’s very difficult to judge the merits of their games. We have nothing to compare it to, and nothing really to get angry about.

If you like the sport of Rugby, the chances are you’ll find something to like about this game. If you couldn’t give a fuck about Rugby, you probably aren’t going to give a fuck about Rugby 08. So it really makes this a doozy of a review. Do I bitch that defending is simply a case of running in the general direction of the guy with the ball, or do I applaud the fact that breaking the Australian back line with a well placed cross field kick feels like sex?

As I’ve mentioned before, if a game ticks a few boxes, I will enjoy it. Even if the game is fundamentally broken, I am still able to get masses of gratification from it. Rugby 08 ticks those boxes. While there are many things wrong with it, none of them hurt too badly. Whilst I find myself throwing the Six-Axis at my TV, I'm always picking it up five seconds later ready to start running through my set plays.

Where the game excels is in its ability to make the player feel wonderful. Even if you’re losing 43-0 to Samoa, you’re always one step away from making that perfect play, and scoring a try in the corner. When this happens, you’ll smile, put the controller down, and enjoy the replay.

You’ll then get up, turn the TV off, and scream at your wife because the kicking system is fucking terrible.

dean

Beautiful Bombshell
Hype is a beautiful thing. It allows us, as retards, to know exactly what we want, without even thinking about it. Case in point: Mass Effect.

I remember back at TGS in ’05, when Mass Effect was showing. “Winter 06” it proclaimed and we were fed with art, screenshots, information and videos. Fast forward a couple of years, it remains on the cusp of release, and we’re still being spoon fed information. It’s now reached the point where I couldn’t give a fuck. Go back to March ’06, and I couldn’t have been more excited for the game. It was KOTOR without the bullshit, what’s not to like? But slowly, and gently, my enthusiasm waned, and I started to become jaded from the hype.

I mean, did I really care about KOTOR 3?

Here we are, a month after E3, and two games are in total domination of me.

RockBand and Persona 3.

RockBand excites me, because I totally wasn’t aware of it until recently. I mean, I knew it existed, but I had no idea that it would be young man’s Guitar Hero. Honestly, I can't stand Metallica, and 80s rock music makes me gag, so being able to come home after a miserable day at The Player offices, and bang on a Lego drum set to the sounds of the Hives sounds perfect!

Persona 3 on the other hand, comes at the perfect time. I'm in desperate need of an RPG that I can actually enjoy. An RPG that features kids shooting themselves in the head is one that I'm down with.

So now what? Do I ignore all future news reports on RockBand? Do I stop reading all of the Persona threads at GAF? Is it me who needs to change, or is it an issue with the industry? Why do we need to be given screenshot after screenshot of the same generic FPS we see every year? Why can we just get unbiased reviews of games that we all want to play?

I’m right… right?

Gonzo

Bioshock musings- part one: Spray that fucking Splicer, whiteboy!


Remember E3 2006? Well screw Miyamoto and his comical attempts at conducting. In Bioshock, 360 and potent PC-owners get their chance to orchestrate some seriously fucked up shit- and I think that's the best way to summarise my experience of what's shaping up to be one of the finest adventures a videogame'll take you on. Yes, adventure. Yes, it is technically a shooter. And sure, it all goes down in first-person- but to describe it as an "fps" risks a misunderstanding with those who've excluded the likes of Deus Ex from the ambit of that genre. It's not an RPG either, like the aforementioned nerdfodder (or System Shock, for that matter).

I was told by the PR dude that the atmosphere was a lot like System Shock. I wouldn't know, as I never played it. But if that's the case, I must have missed out- sound and visuals mix to make a game as frightfully ambient as anything that came before. The game did seem to take some of the best features from some of my great gaming experiences. The excellently timed and plotted spawning of scenarios from Half-Life 2, as well as the bypassing-your-environment school of thought when it comes to progression through the levels. The vicious, brutal melee combat of Condemned (I refer to the Splicers here -the hitherto regular, but now utterly batshit inhabitants of Rapture- forget the Big Daddies. Nothing in a videogame has ever hit as hard as they do). It has the character customisation and skill progression of just about every western RPG in the planet- but has the sense to limit it to designated vending machines, rather than a clunky, constantly tempting, menu. But above all the way that it put me in control of more than a mere hand-holding-a-gun cypher instantly reminded me of Deus Ex.

Perhaps I should have suspected as much, from the moment I saw the banner which introduced me to Rapture, the idyllic-yet-surreal, retro-yet-advanced, setting for Irrational's superb title. "No Gods or Kings- Only Man"- the theme of men and women forsaking received theocracy and established power structures to focus on unfettered individual liberty -and ending up bettering themselves at any cost to their humanity- certainly rang a few bells. But it was mostly the way it put me, the player, in control of combat situations through means not limited to pointing a gun and firing. The interaction between plasmids and weapons is one way: starting off with Electrobolt-then-melee, and progressing to all kinds of cool shit; Telekinesis and enflame producing the Molotov teddy-bear being an example. Enflame and Electrobolt being another- set fire to a splicer and she'll run screaming to the nearest pool of water. Ambush her there, zap the water, and she's done.

That's only one facet of the conducting, however. At all times, the player's awareness of his environment- of enemies (and class of enemies), of pools of water or oil, of turrets and cameras and drones- and what he does with it, makes the difference between a desperate, downbeat gun fight, where survival barely feels like an achievement on account of the scarce ammo spent, and supreme empowerment, a kind of "Shaft has hit Rapture- get outta the way, dorks" moment. It's a superb feeling when that comes together. And it's not something Deus Ex ever did achieve.

What a brilliant way to synthesize a number of the best features from modern games, and still end up showing the way forward. The future of shooters, as technology evolves, is likely to end up in that very word- shooter- being questioned as a functioning title for a genre. Bioshock is no more about shooting than an orchestra is about the violin. The contrast between the chaos of charging in, and composed, deliberate, directing of the action, is set to be one of the best feelings in any videogames ever.

I've only played a level and a bit of this. So it may yet go wrong- but I'd be surprised. More later. August 24 people. Shame the Limited Edition don't come with a Big Daddy Helmet.

PS- The opening intro has the loveliest water EVAR. My notes say there was a dedicated member of staff working on just that. Nice to see someone in videogames taking introductory impact seriously. One to note, and learn from, for the makers of Resistance 2, should that title ever come to pass.